Jedi Elana

I believe that we grow up in spurts and in quantum leaps, and not gradual, as I used to believe.
Ok, maybe gradual too, but singular events are capable of absolutely changing your attitude and outlook on life in an instant, and to a very large degree.

I dropped everything and went straight to Changi Airport and took the next available flight back. And took a cab straight to the hospital. Mum knew I was there and she recognised me, but she was in a world of her own. She didn't ask me how come I came back, or her usual concerns of whether I've eaten etc.. She was telling me of things on the wall that weren't there and sounds that were non existent. Luckily I've already done a good share of crying the night before and I had none left, or rather I was emotionally prepared to see that and I put up a strong emotional front for her sake. She rested and slept the whole evening and throughout the night. I stayed with her throughout the nightat the hospital and that night itself was yet another life changing event.

You really see all sorts of characters in the hospital, especially the C class ward. You realise illnesses does not discriminate against people and they just take anybody. I saw people in all sorts of shapes, colours and sizes at that ward. Chinese, Malay, Indian; old and young, there was even this girl who I think was barely in her teens. Strangely I did not wonder how my life would change but I was wondering what kind of childhood she has, not being able to go to school like normal and join other kids at play.

The ward was supposed to have only 6 beds, but they were overloaded and they kept adding beds till it was almost twice the capacity. People kept coming in in really bad condition; 2 people died while I was there. That night was the longest in my life. The evening surprisingly passed quickly. But once midnight struck, as if by some magic, time suddenly slowed down to a crawl. Each time I looked at the clock, only 10 mins had passed. That night I understood the sounds of the First Noble Truth. That life is indeed full of suffering. Nights were noisier than day, people were wailing, crying, moaning in pain. One old lady was cursing her lungs out the whole night that she was put in restraints. Surprisingly, I was already quite numb of all those, and I couldn't sleep not because of all the cacophony, hahah but for lack of a bed. I think that night really made me appreciate my simple comfortable bed very much.

I seriously wondered how I could survive the night till sunrise the next day, but surprisingly I did. I did manage to catch some sleep in the chair and squeezed with my mum on the hospital bed. Boy was I glad to see daylight. And for more than one reason. It was as if my mum's darkest hour had passed with the night and daylight brought back the ray of normalcy. Mum finally snapped out of it and asked where she was and how she got there and how come I was there. Boy was I so relieved!!! I knew she was back to normal when that afternoon she asked me for a game of Scrabble!!

I grew up again last week. Once again I felt like I had reached yet another stage of adulthood. You can't help but grow up when crisis suddenly strikes and you are faced with decisions and sacrifices only you can make and no one can help you with. You can't help but grow up when you have to spend the entire night pacifying your mum that everything is fine and "lullabying" her to sleep with comforting words. You can't help but grow up when roles are reversed, now it's you taking care of your mum and you have to "trick" her into taking her meds.

Nietzsche is right. That which does not kill us makes us stronger. I do not feel that I have been scarred by last week's events. Rather, I am now a much stronger person for that. I am also glad to know that in the face of crisis, I am able to keep calm, make good decisions, handle matters well and be emotionally strong. I will never look at life the same way again.